Dads

My dad
placed me on his shoulders
when I was just perhaps
age 6 or 8

already a certain
distrust
a certain
distain for his authority
although I really did
want to respect him

I decided at this vulnerable age
it was time to
give him my inner essence
a certain liquid that
generally was not
a gift
but

Here I am age
40ish or whatever
and I feel an empathy
an understanding
an okness
that certainly is new

I'm willing to greet Daddy
at a whole new level
one of equality
cause that's what we are
no fear
no anger
no hurt
no pain
no sense of absence

and if there is absence
I can accept this
because my own
beautiful two
babies are
here

I just hope
I've never
scared them

I don't think so
somehow
because I've always been
aware of
my past

and their future

and their Daddy
has never
hurt
nor abandoned
nor close circuited
nor attempted
to wound

maybe at times
his own messed upness
but he always came
back to them triple
fold
and he always will

thank you
lovely Daddy to
our children

in love and peace

Fathers Day
June 2007

Eventual Horizon

Eventually the horizon
was covered in mist
when linear meets horizontal
and mystery becomes known
and the unknown continues
to mystify me
pace by pace
the search has slowed

He looked at me
and referred with ambiguity
to my own once
expressed thoughts
I am forced to guess

Eventually the mist cleared
I spoke of love
once long ago
It must have had an impact
on him
one of concern
but not of warmth
not of connection

This word made the scissors
come out of the drawer
and he cut
me away
and I'm gone....................

Remember love is
a gift old
friend

November 1, 2003

I ask myself have I ever spoken of love in vain...............?

time

time for brian

time for dad

time for friends

time for bonds

time for eternity

time for love

time for angels

that greet us before

and at the end

of time


For my dear friend Brian, who has travelled on the backs of more Angels than
i will ever know...............

be at peace
my wonderful friend

in memory of your Father

The God Particles

The God particle
swept through
the dark matter
that has held my own
inner outer spacial
neutrino's
which can bind me
black holed

Waiting for the
accelerate
to blast and capture
my own translucent
god particles

To speak to you
to speak to me
To speak
at last
here we are


May 1, 2007

the men times

So

dear men

in my life

loved you all

still love a few

confused by some

admire one or two

who am i

to need anymore


than what

you are able

at the moment

to concede

............just make sure

i don't give too much


it's all with me............

InHer Dreams

In my dreams
I saw him
I felt his breath on me
I tried to touch
I tried so much
He turned his gaze away

Lalalalalalalalalalala

Then one day
I see him
I want his breath
on me
I want to touch
I want so much
He keeps his gaze away

Then one night
I knew him
I felt his breath on me
Then we touched
We touched so much
He turned his gaze away

Ohohohohohohohoho

To my breast
I brought him
I brought him
close to me
I let him touch
I let too much
I turn my
gaze away

In my dreams
I see him
I see him far away
I blow a kiss
I send my love
My dream now
fades this day

wowowowowowowowow

a song for the upcoming album.........

all this unrequitted love stuff .........

About Her

About her
about she
breathing blood
sinew weeps
I hold my breath as you part
netherworlds below my feet

Darkened crow
gathers strength
in the highlands
bitter sweet
Sing for Theo
on christmas eve
daddys mass, mommy weeps

Scale the sheepskin
weave soft silk
I am mourning
one less mouth
lost those kisses
and I love you's
and he sleeps
and he sleeps

To the highlands
to the tall grass
covers him
covers me
and we sleep
and we sleep
and he sleeps
and I sleep

Final footsteps to the pulpit
five and ten toes we did walk
I hold my hand out
it is cold now
Will you warm it from your source

He took the side road
to the highlands
a pint of dark ale
and his past
Vapid castles
that languish
as my love does
for him

About Her
About She
breathing blood
sinew weeps
I hold my breath
as you part
Netherworlds below my feet


January 7, 2003


Today we finished the final building touches to the sound booth in the basement, where I will sing all the pieces to the new album. The lyrics above are set to piano with very little else orchestration. This piece will be my final lament to my daddy............looks like there is one s0ng per album in honour of my father (poor guy)......this song was a breakthrough for me.

in peace
Tink

I bombed

So, yesterday evening i wrote my mid-term exam and marginally passed the test.

I've never been a good student in the past, often doing self-talk that i'm not smart enough so why bother. My study habits now definately have room for improvement in terms of learning text book material. What I do find on a positive note is that I am loving the experience of learning. I really enjoy thinking of a theme to explore, and then finding research articles to teach me about a subject........

My wonderful family tells me to rack it up to experience of being a student, and not to worry so much about the low grade........God bless them for their belief in me

I never thought I would ever get into university.........and here I am!!

It's all good

Catch Me

I'm going to look a little
harder and see if there's
more of me here

Sometimes you're looking
at me and wonder where
I've gone
I'm puzzled with my
absense too
I think it's when
the shadow comes to talk
that I'm taken away for a time
Catch me off guard
during these silent conversations
these private one on ones
that I am lost to you
for a while
You'll catch me running in my head
and finally the spinning wheel
moves on and casts its shadow
on the next soul
who takes retreat

I think it come to you
Sometimes when our ususal chatter
is quiet for a time
I think there is a little more of me here
thank God


written March 27, 1994

1999 and ICQ

1999

Where does the time
go?
Kids getting older
pearnts learning.

Where does the toys
go?
It seemed liked
yesterday I was playing
with my toys long as
there lost in my mind.

Where does the family go
breakup forever
never to be found? Where
does the time go?

Where does the time go?


Written by John Gilchrist
Age 10 1/2 yrs
in December 1999

ps........i kept the original spelling of both poems.











ICQ

Devastated
Afraid of important
messages that won't
be read.

-Disappointed
longing to have
conversations with
new and intresting
people.

-Sad.
Missing that "uno"
Sound and bieng
delighted knowing
that I have a
new message
and a new friend.


Written by Krista
Age 12 1/2 years
December 1999

J and K took my poetry book in December 1999 and they both wrote these very different poems. I think after my last entry of daddy angst I would like to highlite the amazing depth and insight that these two wonderful people have expressed at such a young age each.

In the honour of J and K

love

love you all

Stealth Dad

Stealth Dad
zoning in
avoiding his combat
by 98 degrees below
the sound barrier

We're all aware
that the radar
has been effected
and we're affected
by his inability
to lock on
Mark the Target
Bomb us all
with pity

So sad for you
that stealthing
has become
a way of life
Even sweet peas
blossoming
have no impact

When the pilot
has finally landed
and our scanning the skies
subsides
What oily residue
traces itself
around
our silouettes

Make clear the runway........
Dad...............
and goodluck

August 2000

Well he's done it again! It's been seven years since I wrote this little muse to my father, and his pathetic attempts at non-visiting when he has been on our side of the continent. This poem was written in Richmond, B.C., my dad visiting us in BC after being in Belize, Ontario and Scotland. It had been years since seeing him last. He spent approximately two hours with us and the kids, who wondered how this unknown figure in their lives could actually be my father. Well after he left from this visit out poured "Stealth Dad". I haven't seen him since because he moved to Scotland and I moved to Ontario. Turns out dad is going to visit Ontario the first week of april. I thought great and wrote him that I have lots of vacation time to use in april, they can stay at a local hotel and we can spend time together. The old man (Anglican Priest I may add) writes me back tonight saying I am mistaken with the time he will be in Ontario, and he wanted to squeeze me and his grandchildren into a two hour visit, of which I would have to drive at night into Toronto.
I wrote him back tonight and said I really thought myself and his grandchildren would have meant more to him than wedging in a two hour visit at the end of his week in Ontario. I wished him a good trip...........just when I think I can't be stung.........
my lovely son tells me I have mid-life angst, yikes!

One Day I Won't

One day I won't
find little dinosaurs anymore

One day I won't
find tiny dolls in
my socks anymore

One day there won't
be little trucks
on my toes anymore

and One day
I won't find
small killer whales
on the pavement

One day I won't find
purple dolphins
in my pockets anymore

One day
I won't find
itty bitty
little policemen
in my glove compartment
anymore

and One day
I won't fantasize
about
UFO's anymore
they'll be real

One day
I won't find
thumb sized trolls
in my oven mitts anymore

One day
I won't find Captain Kirk
frozen in the freezer
anymore

One day I won't
vacuum up
killerwhales and one day I won't find unicorns
under my pillow
anymore

One day I won't hear
B__M jokes
anymore

One day
I won't take away a blanket
to find
a killer whale head anymore

One day
I won't find Batman
in my bed anymore (sigh)

and one day I won't
find a tiny Spiderman in my pillow case
anymore (double sigh)

One Day
You will both turn around
and see me at the car
and remember our drives
here and there

Love Mom

These findings are all seperate moments over the course of four years when I would not expect anything but find a little treasure from one of my children when they were very young. The years were from 1993 - 1996

Krista loved Killerwhales, Unicorns and Dolphins, and John loved freezing male toys in glass jars filled with water (as punishment I was told), and he loved both Spiderman and Batman.

These two wonderful human beings are now 19 and 17 years old, with different passions of enjoyment but just as beautiful as when they were little tots running, playing and being children..........with me following along

Now it is me in the driver's seat (holding my breath and gripping the seat) as they drive me through town.

Scale the Ark

I'll cry for you
walk a death mile for you

If you need my breath
I can inhale for you
if It's water
to drink
and your strength
feels low


The desert heat
squeezes the last
drop of rain
from my liquid reserve
for you
I'll climb the Saharha
for you
Part the Ocean
for you
I'll swim
a steady back stroke
for you
and scale the ark

I'll find
the white dove
for you
kiss the branch
from it's mouth
for you
lay beside you
my sweet
with all the new worlds

In The Distance

I am standing here
and in the distance
is all of you that have been

I'm wondering
how did the lights go off
was I sleeping
was it so quick
that in the dream state
all awoke and left me
alone in the bed

I feel the residue of sweat
that dampens us
some evenings
am I naked

Sometimes the worst dreams
remove your clothes

I best stand proud
with my flesh
and in the distance
I see all of you
that have been

Waving goodbye
I blow you
each a kiss


June 18, 2001

I wrote this poem while still living in Richmond, B.C. At this point knowing that we would be moving to Ontario. I realized at that point that I really had no friends that particularily cared that I would be leaving, and I felt ghostlike and sad that even in my own birth place there were very few people that I was saying goodbye to.

I love Ontario, the people, the work, the friends and my family

Thankfully!

Speak so softly

Thanks so gratefully

Love so genuinely

Give so earnestly

Hear so thoughtfully

Touch so tenderly

Keep so lovingly

Share so selflessly

Restore so breathlessly

Give Transparently

Pray thanksgivingly

Smile wholeheartedly

Dance
With
All


September 2002
my joyful expression when I had begun working at a new place with
incredible people and I was almost delirious with delight

I think that Valentine's Day should reflect my deep appreciation of all the beauty and gifts in my life...........for my husband, my children, my mother in law, my brother in law, other family members and friends.............and little Lex

Mourning Glory

I remembered back
to that little pile of rocks
thinking it was Gods
fingers placing them
in that small pyramid
statue
waiting just for me
beside Mount Zion
Mountain for Moses

My body
was going to form
the next Messiah
I smile now
what would I have done
all that mourning
and glory
and Gods Sin
all over
again..


July 17, 1993
I did live in Isreal from 1981- 82 and I went on a desert tour of the Sinai. On a walk by myself in a desert Wadi I came upon this little pile of rocks at the top of a small mountain. Apparently these rock formations are made by Bedouin people to mark their journeys and give directions. Of course I interpreted this entirely differently.

This is a poem I wrote referring to myself when I had been
a born again christian in the early eighties,
and how I was so smitten with my own
precious religiouness
that I actually believed GOD
had chosen me to be the second Mary
and give birth to a new Messiah

oh my god please
it'a hard to confess this but about time

If it's written
where are the words
are they affecting you
are the words
a means of touching you
or disengagement from you

When we risk
is the risk of a fall
deadly or enlighting

I think
I should get out
soon

I don't think I can risk
a narrow escape
from being hooked
and being unhooked

The instruments are so beautiful
have given such pleasure
I best leave
when the band is playing strong
and my love is intact
and you are still my friend



February 6, 2003

Her Body

When a woman
feels her body
it's her liquid
racing through
each pore

Opens an invitation
he's not aware
his cup is out
fill it
he wants it
she wants it too

filter the pure
with the wicked
she smiles
he accepts

It can't be
there's too many
women with
liquid


June 14, 1993
thoughts on an unrequited "attraction"

There Comes

There comes
a time
when one stops
their own breath
and in that
space of a silence
attempts
to give grace
to its core
and it's all
hoping that
with each
moment
now noticed
one can begin
the experience
of what
is


June 2, 1999
in Richmond, BC

On Orion

Out for dinner tonight
with my beautiful daughter
and walking down the path
looking up
the stars were crisp
lite with dynamite

I remembered a poem
written in December 1993 for an old friend

On Orion

The passing of this time
some grieving for a loss
Suspend the moment
in my heart
for years to come
and days gone by
A tear
is swept
down the waterfall
that night,
Singing streams
below
and our dreams
in the stars
I wish
on this night
to kiss
the tears
in the water
and smile at
our shadows on
Orion

Blue Goddess

Taking a walk
inside of the beach
waiting for seashells
to capture me
lets roll in the sand
and make castles
with care
stripping clothing
and anger
our bodies
lay bare
She sings in the choir
and I'm left at the car
her search
is the feminine
but not my shape
or heart
Silly girls made a vow
when it was time
to tell all
blessed secrets
and gardens
boys lips
could be shared
Little girls
grew to women
pretty faces
pretty legs
and her legs
kept on walking
and I'm left
in this
place

January 1995

For Crystal
my BFF growing up
When she came out as a gay young adult
she assumed I was homophobic
so ended our friendship
it's always left a hole in my heart
but writing this piece that became a song
on one of the albums
brought me some peace

His Ghost

I've been entrusted to his ghost
It's quite a burden
to carry
When my own aliveness
carries the mark
of his shadow
The hauntings
of those years
such a little mind
So Young
to remember
always blamed
the older female
for not protecting me
it's the older
males fault too
their ghosts
are twice the size
I have to carry

July 3, 1993

at the start

At the Start

the beginning
of a journey

come with
me